Triggers and Avoiding Self-Judgment Guide

The old saying “you are your own worst critic” can ring uncomfortably true as you’re making changes to your metabolic health. No matter how much progress you’ve made in achieving your goals, your personal triggers can make it all too easy to slip into self-judgment and doubt. This in mind, identifying and avoiding the things, people, and situations that activate your self-critical side goes a long way in keeping you on track for long-term change.

Perhaps your trigger is seeing fitness or fashion influencers on social media; maybe it’s when clothes still fit more snugly than you’d like or eating something you were trying to avoid. Be mindful of how different situations make you feel. Self-judgment in response to triggers like these can take the form of thoughts like “I’m not working hard enough,” “I still have so much weight to lose,” or “I should have been at my target weight by now.”  And often that’s just not the case!

We sometimes view self-judgment as a motivator, but thinking in that way is counterproductive, says Calibrate’s Emotional Health Expert Christine Celio, PhD, who has worked in the field of behavioral change for two decades. “Being mean to yourself actually doesn’t change behavior for the better long term,” she says. “Bullying yourself doesn’t help, but self compassion does.”

We tend to believe in “tough love” because as children, much of our social training and education is fear-based, she explains. If we don’t do our homework, we get bad grades; if we stay up too late, we get grounded. These experiences lead us to think that punishment is a good motivator, but that only works to a certain extent. It’s a far better idea to seek motivators that are values-based instead of fear-based, says Celio. Aiming to treat yourself with self-compassion, not a fear of punishment, is much more conducive to lasting change. 

• Aim for progress, not perfection. Rather than getting hung up on trying to achieve your final goal, set smaller, more achievable success metrics for yourself. This makes it easier to track—and importantly, celebrate—believable wins. “Maybe that pair of pants doesn’t fit right now, but they fit better than they did six months ago, and that’s still progress in the program,” says Celio.
• Recognize and avoid the things that make you feel bad. If trying on old clothes keeps sending you into a self-judgment spiral, avoid that situation by throwing those clothes out. The same logic goes for following social media accounts that trigger self-criticism: You can always mute them, unfollow them, or delete the app altogether. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, is this helpful or is this harmful? If it keeps causing you distress, get rid of it.
• Don’t get hung up on regrets. Sometimes we engage in behavior we’re not proud of, like indulging more than we had planned on a night out with friends. That’s okay–simply acknowledge that you slipped up and get back on track, rather than wallow in regret. Ask yourself what your future self would be proud of, says Celio; chances are, they wouldn’t want you to despair over a fun night and would prefer to see you apply what you’ve learned to the next night out. For example, if you tend to eat whatever you want after a few drinks, go out with friends for coffee, or choose a lunch date instead of drinks and dinner. Set yourself up for success by avoiding situations where it’s easy to make choices that you may not be proud of.
• Surround yourself with supportive people. Remember that people can be triggers for self-judgment too. Sometimes friends will make comments about your weight or behavior like “I guess you can’t eat this anymore” or “You used to be more fun.” If people in your life are throwing your progress off track, maybe it’s time to “question your friendship a little bit,” says Celio. Ask yourself: “Is this person trying to pull me up, or push me down?” 

Self-judgment can be more destructive than what other people would say to you, in part because you can't escape yourself. Self-compassion—treating yourself the way you would treat someone you love—is the key to lasting change. One of the best ways to practice self-compassion is to stay mindful about the way you talk to yourself about your weight. “The things we say to ourselves we would rarely say to a friend,” says Celio. 

The next time you catch yourself mired in self-judgment, treat yourself like you would a good friend by generously offering encouragement and support.